A million thanks to you............oops both of you........

I always live a solitary life, I maybe with my famiy but never been involved with any family activities, I always been aloop when it comes to family gatherings. Maybe I'm afraid to be asked or questioned about my personality or plans, so I tend to have my own "lakad".


With all this going on my mind, I disregarded my relationship with my sisters. "Ate" was just an ate for me then, I looked at her as someone who will get married soon and be apart from us, and "Ite" is the cry baby..oops sorry....that I always had fight with....one famous phrase she always throw at me was, "isipin mo nga ang lahat ng sasabihin mo bago mo sabihin, nakakainis ka"....and that realy made me hate her and stoped me from sharing things that I have in mind, specially she was like one of the top student of her class then from school.......fear, yes a bit, hatred a lot, beacause I felt she is strong and I'm weak.....that's how she made me feel about myself.


We were young then and by time we reached the mature age, ate got married, lived with her husband and stirrred up a new comflict on our family relationship. Ite on the other side, was really involved with her genious friends form college and she somehow living with my Tita, so again I didn't have the chance to be with any of them. Till she got married and have her own family, now by this time I'm the one enjoying life with my friends that non of them accept........(sis admit it or not, that how you see's them before........and again you may call all this bitterness but it's time for you to hear it) All of my friends are not included on any family gatherings, unless it's my birthday of course. Specailly when the Gays enter the scene, my goodness, I have to hide everything from them, the many outings we had, the events we attend to, everything.


Well, after all those years, time comes that I had to move away, for work of course. Living miles aways from home, alone, and free.....and only then I had a real talk with my sister (Ite) things changed....I really don't know why, but I manage to open up to her....( well maybe i should thank my cousin for being a great friend to her and open up her views about someone like me.)


Now things looks easier and lighter to manager between us, but, one problem.........again I'm miles apart from them. And sometimes I wish I had a brother, atleast I have someone to share my thoughts and not feel left alone. But my wish was granted after 30 years.


And I have a brothers....(or sisters, kumare..) the two lover birds from tamblot, thank you guys for being a brother not only to me but to my sister, who needed more of my time than before, but since I'm miles aways from home, you guys are there to lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear her out of lonelinest. Thanks guys.......you're the greatest brothers one can ever wish for. And to you my sister, see how your beloved cousin took care of you??? (thanks to him, he open up your eyes and mind to life's reality called "GAY") but he nor time didn't permits you to be alone. Now you have me and two more brother's..........he he he he..or sisters.....lol

Creating Balance.......

Hay naku, sa dami dami ng balak kong gawin, di ko alam ang uunahin, I had such a disastrous week and couldn't force myself to go to work today, so, I stayed at home and call in sick, dahil siguro sa stress, sa work and in life in general (in fairness to me I really do feel sick today...ok?)


My goodness I have all the reason and the ability to be successful (medyo conceited ata..sowee.) I have a degree, I have the proper training and back it up with that plastic thingy from PRC and as of now I can say that I can write and understand english better than I used to be (oops please pardon the grammar and spelling.) So!!!! why can't I have the success everybody talks and dream about??? WHY????????


I'm just wondering how do they do it? having a good career, a good loving relationship with a partner, making good money and spending it right, enjoying what life can offer...and etc and etc...people have done it, so how?


Is it because?.....hmmmmm...are they born RICH?, well I can be, if, I save enough for my future, spend it wisely and according to my means (well that can be arranged...SANA!!!). Are they geniuses? (mahirap ito....ok try nating maging magaling) I can improve my skills, finish all those book that i purchased (software and program book), try and reinvent my style in designing, making it more competitive. Relationship?????...hmmmmmm...this subject is quite complex for me, its been a while since I've seen someone like GB, well, his not that good looking but very hot, his not that sexy but really good and reciprocate in bed.....oops did i mentioned No. 1 student in his university, batch 2002.......yeah...you can say it...his one of a kind, and I shouldn't, mustn't, and will not find anybody like him, I must find someone new.....just new.


So, recap, I can be rich, I can enjoy life to my own extent and I can be happy just by letting myself go of the past..... hmmmm, sounds doable.


Yeah, balance, one must know his strength, his goal, and his happiness to enjoy life, with all this match it with a proper diet and good exercise regime and a lot of guts and discipline, I think I can have that word on my own, SUCCESS ( di lang sa banyo) in life.

another weekend....

hmmmmm, another week had past, another weekend to come....(yehey!!!!!!!.....la lang...as if it's a big thing) same old routine, Wednesday feeling so exited about the weekend, no work, no boss and nothing to do. Then thursday comes, wow!!!!! halfday work, yeah right, half day at the office and another half at home to do the laundry and clean the house.....wow!!!!! (still excited) no work tommorow!!!!! no boss, no client call and nothing to do.

To fear or not to fear..???

FEAR..........


a. A feeling of agitation or anxiety by the presence of imminence danger


b. A state of condition marked by this condition, "living in fear"

c. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: "a fear of looking foolish"

d. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.


e. A reason for dread or apprehension: "Being alone is my greatest fear."



A very simple word, even a child can come up with their own meaning when one utter the word, and yet people struggle in accepting what feared them, or faced it, or control it nor confront it. Many suffers emotionally and resigned to deep depression because of it.


I for one have endured 2/3 of my life living in fear to let others know me, who I'm, what I want and what I dreamed of. For all I know life is just a box held by people who regards you as their nephew, their cousins and their sons. Life is the whole world waiting for you to embrace and walk on, without hesitation, but of course with proper precautions.


I have known people not braved enough or to foolish enough to let others take credit for what they do and let be just a shadow of their great works under the feet of others, just by fearing rejection.


Others felt fear on feeling foolish as the very definition of fear, I too, was like that, I never regards myself as a person who looks at magazine and being adventurous on how I look, I tend to be on the standard way, even enter a restaurant, even if I'm dying to try everybody's favorite dish. I thought it's shyness that sway me away from this things, but it was fear nonetheless.


During my years working in Manila, I tried to be myself, be brave, letting what I thought the real me take over and be myself, and stand against change...I feared that i will loose my identity for others standard if I try to be something that I'm not....What a foolish thing to do then for someone who haven't prove anything.....the result....lol... I got fired.....twice.... but the second one was a big leap out of fear. It was the first company where I introduce myself and show the true color of my wings...(what you may ask? it was the rainbow color.....hah ha ha...not all find it amusing.) It was a braved step for me to bring out the very best of what i got, but still people are too afraid of what someone like us can do. So, i got fired because of some "ingetara" in the office. Then again its fear that drives them to do such thing.


But for me the biggest fear one should face is whit in ourselves, facing the truth, the reality and the consequences of our actions are just the hardest. The truth, people like me always lives in fear. Professionally, it's so hard to affiliate ourselves because of who we are, specially on a male dominated field that I'm working with, being me will be a subject of ridicule and questions on my ability and it will be slapped on my face when I come out. Still, fear dominate my life.


Specially when it comes to love, and relationship and sex?....well a lot can do about that if your here where I live right now, but who will take a bet against your future just for a little bit of sex without passion...... I won't........but then again, I did, before, for five years I held on something I'm not sure that I shared with someone, or maybe I just convinced myself that I have something but nothing. Fearing to accept that my life is as empty as the box that I've known as life.


But, a big BUTT like mine, I need to face the truth that life is not only the four corners of that box, I can paint it with pink or red to make it more seductive, put a hole or a window so someone can see through and know that I exist, or maybe i can have another wall to make it more roomy to accommodate someone new.


FEAR......is something we face everyday, sometimes that's the reason why we are sad and longing for something. In every twice and turn its there, we just have to learn to face it.

Reconciliation....Part 3

reconciliation...part 3.


Among friends, one always finds someone to trust, hate, make
fun with, have fun with and yet all of them are your friends,
in thoughts and physical reality. But there was always a time
when you cannot help but see through their life and play a
role of the righteous one, thinking that you knew everything
about the past and presents of every situation. And later you'll
discover that you have made a huge scene that may or may not
solve a problem, or worse could destroy the friendship you
have treasured for so long.


One day at the  "pink world", (i used to call the group as
the pink world) one of the members had committed a very
tasteless action, against one of the group members. It involves
lies, money, and trust. I, as one of them, was so closed to this
person,I've seen him struggle through life, worked his ass to get
himself into college. But in the process, the amazement I have
for him was tarnished by his  actions of greediness and intensive
abuse in the word friendship....i dont want to lay it
down one by one, or else you'll end up hating him also, and
that is far from my intentions, as of now.

But if you insist, i believe we have a recorded views and
insights pertaining to this issue, please contact the two
love birds at tamblot, and if they permits then you'll see...

So with all of this talks and grunting about his actions, his
mistakes, his lies, about money and friendship and others that
he couldn't even own,because he firmly believed that he never
did anything wrong towards anybody. And that!!!!! is what
frustrate me more, and its driving me crazy, on how on earth
could your so called friends deal with it so easily.....then it
hits me...sooo hard.. the answer is with in my own words...what?
you may ask..."because your their friend"......and since your
mine too...i would rather act on how a friend should...well I'm
not saying that i will forget all those things, but I'll be a
friend  that will console you if you have a problem and scold
you if you'll have this actions again...I guess that's the best
way i could reconcile with you.

And I believed that the "ORIGINAL MEMBERS" of the group had
a one night gathering to rekindle their friendship, i haven't
heard anything about it,and i would love to. I hope that all
is well and settled, be emotional, pshycological, neurological ,
lahat na ng may ical and  tional....hope all is good and settled.


OOps, i have mentioned the recorded files, and lovers don't ever
erased that or else, all of this will not have any meaning.

Now, about the other recorded file(oops dalawa pala...huhh .
.two???).It involves a very prominent member of the "pink world",
he doesn't have issues about lies, nor trust...well....mostly
about money and pride.(every one is free to comment and I
insist...Please do..agree or not??).Its been happening for so long,
everybody talks about his money matters and pride issues, but
one incident that really sparks a termoil within the group
was the one involving another prominent member. I was so huge
it almost break the chain of freindship. And of course
I have admitted that I usually play Mr. Righteous, again...hmmm.
Accidentally we made...ok, subconsciously made...(is that ok??)..
well what ever, made a big fuzz about it and letting it all
out in a 29 minute recorded speeches and comments towards
you...its wrong, yes, the way we made it. but the truth behinds
the words,( well some are just non sense lies,) are undeniably
true. And the weight of that issue and incident still brings
chill in my spine, not because of guilt......hmmm nope...i'm sure
of that, but the way how our friends sees you bothers me.
So in fairness to you again i want to apologize for initiating
all of this recorded issues, cause i know that you were an
innocent victim on this one...and with regards to your
issues about madam, i have no quarrel or what so ever about it,
thats depends on you and him alone. i didn't know the whole
story, but as how most of the story ends...it ends with a smile...
heard that you and madam have mend the gap and doing well....but
please do something about the money and pride issues, I'm
sure you'll better off with out it.....(humabol pa!!!!...lol)


Peace.....

bye.

Reconciliation....Part 2

Reconciliation.....with myself

A word so heavy most of us cannot admit nor convience ourself to do,
not only with others but worse with ourself...

I had a dream the other day, a dream i always wanting to have every
time I close my eyes every night......its a about someone, that i used
to play with, intimately, joyfully and with honest feeling of
contentment and pride that i had him. In the dream i was walking on
an idle land where people pass by, thinking of no one, just letting
my mind fly and be drifted by the winds then, suddenly i saw
someone so familiar that i couldn't even imagine in my dreams
that there he was standing and smiling...

He walks towards me and ask "would you like to stay a while and
have a little something from the past" and i said "of course I
would". We walk along the vast greenery and by the time we through
the  hills with tall grasses, i started to hear the waves from
a nearby sea, splashing on the shore with its glittering and
foamy water.

After that as if i felt the familiar touch heated with passion
that i always wanted to have, then suddenly a thought came to me,
I want to search  for my mobile phone,and i couldn't help but
search and search, in my pocket,on the ground. i stop and look at
him and ask for permission to leave and get my phone and promise
that i will come back, but unfornuately when
i reach my house and search for that stupid phone, i found something
else.

Two guys are seating on my bed, with a very clear intentions on their
minds and in there shorts,so, what does a guy had to do with such
situation, well, i simple forgot about the stupid phone I'm  looking
for and get along with their nice intentions. Then, again, someone
walk in the room, and saw us...that flashed me out of it and
remembered that someone is actually waiting for me...someone i
couldn't remember who, then i found the phone lying on the floor with
too miss call, but i couldn't figure out who and why.....i went out to
go back to where my lost memory leads me....hmmm... I said
to myself...if this guy actually going to wait for me, he should
be there, but his gone and i couldn't even remember who he was, but
the feeling was so vivid, I can even smell his scent..... In my dreams I
thought...if i have found someone in my own bed other than someone I
was wishing for and indulge maybe he too have found someone and
left...but the tricky part was the miss call that i couldn't
figure out who...

conlusion....maybe i shoud not wait for someone from the past that i
always wished to dream about, maybe he too have moved on, and I should
too. Letting my self reconcile with the truth that I'm the only one who
has to power to make my self happy and not deppending on others
permission and their present situation.

Now through this blog i'm letting all my feeling go. And letting my
self free from any feelings of longing and unwanted last, fear and hatred
from the past.

THats it....i feel better.....(hmmmm... well i guess i do...I'll get over it
soon)

Reconciliation....

In every situation we got into, God have plans for us to be there....atleast that's what i felt when i attended a mass last Friday. The topic hits me so hard, the sermon was acceptance and reconciliation. And it become easier for me to think and assess the things i need to let go of. Which is a good thing to do, its hard to walk around with a smile on your face, knowing within you a huge luggage is kept, and been dragging you around to depression and desperation.

Issues between me and my friends and issues within me, that usually hold me back and drives me into deep emotional battle with myself. So, here it goes....hope that all persons concern will have the chance to read the next blog entries.

Weekend....huh?!?!?!?

What is so good about a weekend?!?!?!?, well if your leaving in this part of the world, well nothing much. Food....diners and restaurant are all but the same unless one will spend an arm and a leg to go into some fine hotel restaurant, well, atleast for someone like me who earns not more than $0000.00, so, one, like me, will settle to a restaurant, or hotels according to Indians (they call resto as hotels) that says, Thai restaurant, or Italian cuisine, or seafood restaurant.....ending, they are just some owners who are just pretending to be something they are not....THAI food, indian cook, ITALIAN CUISNE, Indian chef, sea food restaurant, just shrimp, nothing more....oops they serve, biryani and kapsa...but where are the sea creatures go???...maybe got scared of the indian cook????.....

Ohhh, i dont hate Indians in general, it's just that they are sooooo many....my gulay...they everywhere, just like converse...lol.

OK, to be fair, there are some, great restaurant, that are own and operated by Indians that are superbly designed and food are just amazing, but it will cost an arm, legs not included...to be fair again, this are Copper Chimney and Lantern, the tandoori style are just the best food i had from them, its like grilling, but the meat or fish that are skewed are put inside an oven made of stone, or cement or something, and it was match with a bread they call nan,..and match it with dal makahani, with chopped onions and your ready to rumble!!!!!!! the food is a bit spicy but you can order medium or very hot...no point in ordering no spice, if you want that get out of the restaurant and go somewhere else, Indian foods are really spicy.

And what is that had to do with my weekend?.....well it just so happened that I had a fight with one of the Indian workers that we hired to do some graphic printing, who doesn't understand a word of English and still pretending that he knows what i want him to do..........I really don't hate them!!!!!!!!! I heard from a movie or somewhere that hating is bad, so I dislike them so much!!!!!!!.....ohh I'm so bad.

what a weekend...in fairness to goodness again, me and my friends had a small night out, after spending whats left of my weekend, going around Geants, its a huge supermarket that's located at Bahrain Mall that almost have everything you need, so we looked around and check what items i might need. I remembered that i left my printer in manila, oops gave it to my sister pala, that's intentional, di ko po nakalimutan..... i got one again, those 3-1 printers, with scanners and xerox and printers from HP, and some blank dvd for my friends porn...he he he he,...he was asking me for a copy of some of my downloaded collection....which i have many..haha! .... and some stupid item, for IPod, Tell me how stupid I'm.... I knew from the start that the rubber casing is meant for an IPod nano and I have a 30 Gig.....how stupid can you be?!?!?!!? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Then i got home, trying to convince that it will work and maybe its rubber and it may stretch......(stupid.....pang nano nga eh), because I'm tired of pulling it out of that black thingy bag that comes with it everytime i used it. I'll take a photo of it and post it here so, you will know how stupid idiot i can be....but before all that we spend a few hours at the Warbler, its a bar......hmmmmm well just a bar...we got invited by our friends to attends the last night of the band, they are flying out of Bahrain tomorrow night.....some of my friends got so attached to this group, so, some of them got a bit emotional, and some are just pakeme and nag paka plastic lang...(tulad ko)....but she's good, the lead lady singer, she's like whitney-tina-lani rolled into one, but looks like Ina ni jaya....but she's realy good and sweet..

so thats it.....my weekend.....and tomorrow no work.....It's Friday..thank god.

bye.

excess: lets see if i'm going to be lucky for some...uhhhhhh ahhhhhh uhhhhhh ........ha ha ha!!!

It's Me!!!!!!!...yeah the "IT"

Yaah...Maybe, just maybe, you are wondering who is this jerk trying to spin his life around.... well here m'I, so you can mock, joke and talk about "what the hell is wrong with this guy"....me too, cant explain why, but one thing is pretty obvious, I'm fat..that's one....the rest are lying beneath the smile that need to be dealt with properly......(hmmm ....seems scary...lol)



Anyways........that's me.....like me or hate me....nothing is new to me now.....except blogging.



So, today is just a typical day for me, finished some 3D works, slept at around 4 am, woke up at 8:30, had my diet breakfast, go to work, work, work,work and work again, till 6:30 pm, walk home, buy some corny stuff, like me, a vacuum for my lop tap and some new razor blade for my tiny tiny hear on my face, and some fruits and water.........hmmmmmm so boring....well tomorrow's a weekend here in Bahrain,........ hmmmmm .......maybe,.... just maybe.... I'll have something new and exciting experience and I'll be more than happy to share. But if its something thats going to happen that require some huhhhh ahhhhh huhhhh...well...maybe I'll think twice to do that for now...(as IFFFFF!!!...huh?!? wake up!!) wait till I have the "better me" oozing with sexuality.

The Travel Companion.....

In every journey we never travel alone....and I'm thankfull that I'm not doing all this by myself. Later in the coming "blog"...hmmmm i love saying it...."the coming Blog" I'm sure that I'll be encountering individual that might and will give the right path to take in achieving my goal.

For starter, I was moved and deeply set in to my thoughts to do this by two incidents. These happened a few days back, but i was already planning to write/change but never had the guts to start, until recently a couple of my best friends told me to watch a movie, which is the first of the incidents. It was "SHORTBUS",a movie, the rawness and boldness as Alfred put it, droved me into a deep-deep wave of depression, i never had that feeling, since??? I can't remember when, and Alfred told me in a very interesting way and I loved how he says it, "SHORTBUS is such a wonderful movie. It's so raw and so true that it actually hurts after watching it. Like you, i have been aftected and thrown in sudden wave of thoughts, relationship and love. Somehow we cant help but find our shadow in one of the characters of the movie", (so true isn't it?) and " the movie is actually a rare treat to ones neurons", and what a treat it was, it gives me a reality check on myself and let me see how my life is going, in terms of relationship and interacting with people. I'm not as bad a i may have impart to all of you, but there is something wrong, from the movie, at the end, everyone finds the answers to their lingering questions, and me too had some but can find any answer..... so, i said, i guess i need some adjustment from here and there to find mind.

And the second was, when i stumbled upon a blog that is raw as the movie SHORTBUS, and he, the blogger, seen the movie too, and shared the same amazement as my friends... (that made me flipped....by the way the blog was http://tiggahtigz.blogspot.com ,)he was lean, cute, happy and young...at his tender age he found the happiness, most people been eluded from. With his partner pooh, they had their life link to net in all its glory (and i mean ALL!!!) for everyone to see and admire, and that's what happened to me, i looked, read, and learn, that my life shouldn't be as simple as this, I too can explore and enjoy , but i decided that before i venture out more, i should make the "better me" comes out first. Make my life as alluring and as amazing as the movie itself, and be as raw, bold (well not yet, too fat) and adventurous as tiggah's.

And i had a good start, had my diet drinks and pills, had a good lunch, very lite though, but very satisfying. I didn't have a headache, been very focus and I've finished all my task at work, had a great meeting with three clients, one over the phone and the others at the office. So?? yeah i can say its a good start... but the best part of the day was.........the email i received form my friends, Alfred and Jun. They too like Tiggah and Pooh are partners in crime. I admire their relationship and honesty. And the email is one big load of advise that really puts me in tract in doing all this blogging.... So, Alfred and Jun, Thanks for your companionship on my journey.....thanks for telling me the shortbus..lol, and the tons of advise you been giving me.

Please don't stop I'll need more of that soon. :-P

bye

excess....guys try to find a copy of SHORTBUS......its...**. B E A U T I F U L.**

The Moment of Truth...My first day...

wow, i promised to start my change today, but i been working since last night still i need to do door design, two quotations and one 3D image of my doors.....will i survive the day with only one full meal today??? in two hours i need to drink my chocolate mix as my breakfast plus the tablets.........



hmmm.....well i feel I'm doing the right decision but m'I doing the right way?? hope so... my "gulay" just by thinking of it, i can already feel the headache i'm going to have without a meal...i usually get headache if i don't eat....(hmmm takot na.)


nope!!!! di ko kailangan lokohin ang sarili ko, this is for the better me, the sexier me and yummier me....wow sarap isipin...(palakasin ba ang loob...ha ha ha ha :-P..)

SAD PUROY........

What an odd way of starting a blog...being sad...but i heard that most people did on their loneliest state....hmmmm i wonder why?????

Well after a few emails with my friends , a movie and reading a certain blog that really amazed, envied and inspired me (that is Tiggah's Life in Random..ohh my you guys should check it..he and pooh are hot..and by the way thanks for the vista insight....as if they are going to read this..ouch!!), i decided to make my own, and hoping to create a new way of making the "changes" in my life worthy...how you may ask....well that would be depends on the myself of course.

So i made a list of the things i need to change..

1. LOOKS..... in a world where most of us complicated creature walks, looks does matter. and i know that you know i mean... a. overweight, b. no sense of style, c. total lifestyle (need to be healthy)

2. ATTITUDE...oops don't get me wrong, its not that i have a bad atittude, but attitudes towards work and towards life in general.

3. PROFESSIONAL....i choose a very intricate profession that requires a continuing upgrade on style and discipline or else your dead....so a huge upgrade i needed.

So far this are the three major things i need to focus on. And I'm not wasting a another time...well two weeks to be exact..My sister gave me a complete one month supply of Herbal life...(bigay nga ba??? or should I pay you next month. :-P) complete with the chocolate milk mix, diet supplements and multi vitamins, but..a big butt like mine, I'm to lazy to start...so i promise my self through this blog (gaga recorded na to kaya umayos ka) i will start tomorrow...i will not eat breakfast, drink my chocolate mix drink, take my supplements, have a healthy lunch and for dinner chocolate drink mix again and supplements and start the change, so help me god....sorry...ok lang ba yun... m'I taking his name on vain, oops.

And for those who are going to stumble on my little blog of journey to change please do drop some advice on how i may accomplish all this...

PuRoY